Death Is Easy

Russell Madden

Freedom As If It Mattered

As If
It Mattered
Russell Madden

Guardian Project

The Guardian
Russell Madden


Russell Madden






Russell Madden



Demi-Ogg and Republi-Ogg stood over the bound and gagged body of Citiz-Ogg.

Demi-Ogg rubbed his callused hands together and smiled. “Great! Mealtime. I’m starving. We’ll take the arms and legs and the torso and roast them over a big fire. That will fix our hunger for good.”

Republi-Ogg blinked and raised a finger in protest. “No! No! If you use up that much of Citiz-Ogg, all that will be left will be the head.”

Demi-Ogg shrugged. “So? Not much sustenance to be had there, anyway. We’ll solve our problem of aching stomachs and everyone will be better off. We can’t wait until we all keel over from lack of nutrition. It’ll be too late then. We must act now, immediately, without delay! Otherwise, we’ll be overwhelmed by this catastrophic food shortage.”

Republi-Ogg winced. “That’s too extreme. We should be moderate in what we do here. Take one arm today. Maybe another tomorrow. Next week we can work on a leg. After that, perhaps the other leg. With prudence, we won’t squander our resources but preserve them for as long as possible.”

Demi-Ogg raised his knotted club. “I say no! We’ll do it my way. I let you have your say, but this is urgent! An emergency! What will others think if we spend days or weeks arguing about this. What are you complaining about, anyway? Food is for eating! Don’t be so stupid and obstructionistic. That’s what we’ve got Citiz-Og for, in the first place! Trust me. This is the best way to solve our problem.”

Republi-Ogg shook his head. “Unh-unh,” he said, thinning his lips. “You pretend to listen to me, but you’ll just do what you want, anyway, because you have the bigger gang.”

Demi-Ogg pointed behind Republi-Ogg. “At least three of your gang agrees with me. See? They’re nodding and smiling.” Demi-Ogg frowned at the furrowed brow of his opponent. “Okay, okay. In the spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship, rather than taking both arms, we’ll leave the right arm above the elbow for now. Happy?”

Republi-Ogg snorted his displeasure. “Not really. But I don’t see that I have much choice in the matter.” He stared at Citiz-Ogg for a long moment. “Fine. Have it your way. Let’s just get this over with.”

As Republi-Ogg held down Citiz-Ogg’s right leg, Demi-Ogg pulled out his flint knife and began sawing away at Citiz-Ogg’s flesh and bone.

Luckily, Citiz-Ogg was tightly gagged, so no one had to listen to his traitorous protests.

(from Don't Get Me Started!, x-09)