DEATH IS EASY by Russell Madden

FREEDOM,  As If It Mattered by Russell Madden

The Guardian Project by Russell Madden

RaNdoM by Russell Madden

 

The other day, I was lying on the family-room couch watching television while recovering from a particularly nasty flu bug. That virulent little SOB had grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and shaken me like a lion rattles a mouse in its jaws. Still, I had progressed to the point in my recovery that I could focus my attention on something beyond my eyeballs without falling asleep.

Sadly, the "something" in this case concerned yet another dreary story about airport "security." In this instance, the focus was about the flaws in the system. The Peacock-Network and its Reporter on the Nightly Un-News report staged this particular narrative as a BIG STORY. SHOCKING! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. WE ARE ALL IN GRAVE DANGER! HURRY. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

This tragic tale of woe and foreboding went on for quite a few minutes, an eternity in the half-hour news cycle. They've devoted less time to covering wartime battles in which brave men died. But nothing would deter the network and its mouthpiece from performing their journalistic duty of looking at the obvious and observing something else entirely.

This account dealt with the experience of a guy who traveled the world, a man who had lots and lots of frequent-flier miles. He crisscrossed this country. He traversed the Atlantic. He flew within Europe. He flew home again. Time after time in his journeys, he had to pass through airport security checkpoints. The crack squads with the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) probed and prodded and even confiscated a "nose scissors" from this stalwart fellow.

Did this guy ever complain about (figuratively) receiving various orifice probes without benefit of anesthesia...or even a nice meal first? No. Hell, no! He is a good American, damn it! He is all for increased security so, by gun, er, by gum and by golly, he can "feel" "safe" during his marathons about this wild and wacky globe of ours.

The Reporter informs all of us on the edge of our couches that (gulp!) over two million knives have been confiscated from would-be airline passengers in the past year-and-a-half. Omigod! If they found that many "dangerous" weapons, how many did they MISS!?!?!?!

Aaiieeeeee....!!!

Well! At least one! It seems that this Good and Noble Citizen forgot that he himself (eek!) had stowed away a knife -- and not just a "knife," but a "LARGE" knife -- in the outer pocket of his own carry-on luggage! (Gasp!) And we know it's true because his girlfriend says so. Besides, the weapon was a "gift."

But let us accept that this man unintentionally committed this most heinous act of carrying a knife with him across tens of thousands of miles of airspace and through at least ten different airports. Now, there are a few things this fellow could have done once he discovered he still had his present with him. One: he could have simply been grateful to keep what was his. Two: he could have kept his big, fat mouth shut. Instead, he chose Door Number Three: he performed his classic Chicken Little act, blabbed to the media like some grade school tattletale, and got himself on the National News.

This unfortunate victim of circumstances naturally felt "horror" and "shock" that this "serious blade" went unconfiscated despite his offering of himself freely upon the altar of security on multiple occasions.

A TSA flunky who was shown the knife called it "borderline." But the intrepid Reporter did not accept that glib bureaucratic dismissal of the concerns expressed by herself and the Noble Citizen. No. She took the "dangerous" knife to a "top security" honcho who declared sonorously that, yupper, this was "hardly" a case of maybe-yes, maybe-no. Nossir. This blade was "formidable."

A missed weapon. A "formidable" one. A Noble Citizen now "nervous" about his "security" on future flights. Because (dramatic drum roll), this one incident might well be merely the tip of the iceberg!

RUN FOR THE HILLS!

About this time, I roused myself enough to mutter something along the lines of "idiotic washholes." Or a couple words that sounded like that, anyway.

While no one in this BREAKING NEWS STORY bothered to identify the "dangerous" blade, from what I could discern on my non-widescreen, non-HDTV [though I'd be more than happy to accept such a donation of technology from a charitable reader, solely, of course, to further my (ahem) future research...], the product in question appeared to be a Spyderco knife. This folding weapon sported a semi-serrated edge of, oh, say, four inches or so. Folded, it would fit fine in a pocket.

The way the Reporter and the Security Expert carried on before we actually saw this WMD, I expected a Bowie knife with a twelve-inch blade, half-serrated, with a hook on the end of the "formidable" sucker for gutting your enemies when you sneak up on them in the dark.

Instead, we were offered this puny little puppy. Yes, yes. You could kill someone with the dang thing. Heck. You can kill someone with a one-inch blade. A tweezer. A pencil. A finger. So frigging what?

And what exactly would have happened if those two-million knives they so breathlessly mentioned had not been confiscated? Well, a great many American citizens would have collectively been twenty- or thirty-million dollars better off by keeping their property. But, hey. "Private" property is a joke, anyway, so the Reporter is not going to concern herself about that minor little fact.

Also, if one of those two-million owners had a "dangerous" knife in his possession and his flight was hijacked, then, maybe, just maybe, he and his fellow "criminals" could have jumped the fugger and sliced his stupid throat before he crashed the plane or murdered them all one-by-one.

But, hey, the Reporter wants you to believe that each-and-every-one of those two-million Knife Fanatics posed a REAL DANGER TO OTHER PASSENGERS. That each of those two-million Nutcases WOULD HAVE HIJACKED THEIR FLIGHTS IF THEIR "FORMIDABLE" BLADES HAD NOT BEEN STOLEN FROM THEM.

Now, we could use a percentage of undetected knives similar to that of illicit drugs that go uncaught coming into this nation. That would mean that in this same period, about twenty-million knives slipped through security. But, hey. We'll err on the side of caution and say only ten-percent of the number confiscated made it through. That still means there were 200,000 dangerous knives that flew on airlines unbeknownst to the Powers That Be...

...and not a SINGLE one of those was used in a hijack attempt.

Think about that. Hundreds-of-thousands of knives that hurt no one. That went up and then went down. Hundreds-of-thousands of people who did not hijack a plane, even though the TSA and the Administration assure us in hushed tones that such is a Real and Present Possibility, an Imminent Danger that justifies shredding our right to self-defense and the Constitution.

Yeah, right. And it is "possible" that the sun is going nova right this minute.

BUT IT'S NOT!

Just as when the subject is guns, these yutzs have yet to learn that knives are not dangerous. People are.

And a comparatively damned miniscule percentage of them, at that. But indiscriminately stealing private property is far easier than detecting and detaining real criminals.

Meanwhile, as our freedom is being destroyed by our "protectors" in the name of "security," this nonsense...this "exclusive" scoop is what passes as "news" these days from Reporters who are reporting with their eyes wide shut.

"Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. America..."

Lisa Myers. "1 knife, 9 airports, no problems." NBC Nightly News. 10-01-03. http://www.msnbc.com/news/974613.asp