I get so tired trying to resist the majority.
What fun is there in being among the lonely two or three or four
percent of the population who believe in liberty, individual rights,
and the free market? I mean, come on! Why, just the other day, some
Congressional reporter for the New York Times
appeared on CSPAN and assured me with definitude [okay; there’s no such word...but there should be!] that all
economists agree that a giant government “stimulus” is needed to “jump
start” the economy. Yup-pers. Just attach that ol’ gov battery to the
country’s defective pumper and, by golly gee, all will be right with
the world. Resuscitate, revive, renew. Ol’ Man Guvmint can and will get
that figurative blood a-pumpin’ through our frozen veins and arteries,
nice as you please. Happy days of wine and whiskey, here we come ag’in.
So, rather than struggle against that strong current of Main Stream
opinion, I guess I oughta just give in and go along to get along.
Individual responsibility? Fiscal prudence? Property rights? Screw ’em!
I say. Screw ’em! Stimulus packages? Bring ’em on! Consume more? HELL,
In keeping with the admonitions bombarding me from all directions that
I should stimulate the hell out of the economy and consume-CONSUME-CONSUME
, I hereby declare that I am getting with the program
; I’m climbin’ aboard the ol’ bandwagon; I’m mountin’ that horse and ridin’ her for all she’s worth...
Ya know... I’ve been poor for so long [thanks, though, to those few who
have contributed $$$ to keep me writing...] that I haven’t done my
fair-share, patriotic best to pump up the economy. For years —YEARS —
I’ve drooled over widescreen plasma and LCD televisions simply because
I couldn’t afford to buy one. Wotta slacker I’ve been! Along with that
1080p, progressive scan, 120 Hz, 47 inch puppy, I also
want to install a spiffy 5.1 — hell! make that 7.1 — surround sound
system to make me feel I’m right there in the middle of it all. I’ll
also need to upgrade to BluRay DVD player and discs. Get a PS 3 so I
don’t feel so left out of the gaming scene. Ah, hell. I don’t want to
let the economy down — MY COUNTRY, RIGHT OR WRONG! — so I’ll also
snatch up an XBox 360. Maybe a Nintendo Wii for the whee! factor. Plus
tons of games, too, of course. An iPhone with top o’ the line
data/texting/voice package to keep me in touch with the Wonderful
My car’s ancient, too. A 1997 Corolla. I’ve been keeping it going just
fine in order to save money, but I now see the tragic error of my ways.
In the name of maintaining national security, I better upgrade to a
Lexus. Don’t want to overdo it... Oh, hell! I’ll get two Lexuses. Lexi?
Our house is very nice, but we feel cramped sometimes. My office could
be two, three times bigger than it is and still not large enough for
all my books, do-dads, and what-nots. Plus, the place is well over four
decades old. Better movin’ on up, as they say. Hmm. Ten-thousand square
feet? Fifty...oops; sorry!...a hundred acres of wooded grounds with a
private lake. Servants. Swimming pool. Pools. Indoor and out. Tennis
We love to travel. So we need to purchase some houses in states around
the country and in countries around the world. And travel the bejeesuz
out of it all. Stay in the ritziest hotels and spas. Eat the richest
foods. Gamble. Frolic. A yacht or three. Captain and crew to wait on us
By golly! I’ll be looked at as a — THE — savior of the good ol’ U. S.
of A.! I’ll do my damnedest to bring this nation out of its doldrums.
Happy days will be here again. No need to fear, I’m here again. I’ll
consume the living FRAK out of everything, stimulate the economy until
it’s lyin’ on the floor GASPIN’ in pleasure, beggin’ me to please,
don’t, stop. Or: please. Don’t stop.
And don’t be waggin’ any fingers in my direction, askin’ smart-ass
questions about how I’m goin’ pay for all this. ’Cause, the Guvmint has
shown me the way, illuminated my path, removed the film from my eyes.
I’ll just go in debt like ol’ Unca Sam. If it takes a trillion dollars
a year of debt to make everything right again, well, then, by gum, I’m
just the one to make that sacrifice. Indeed, I’ll take another page
from Sammy boy. Goin’ into debt is a pain...in...the...ass, lemme tell
you. Some folks expect that crap to be repaid someday. I’ll solve this
as the Saminator does: I’ll just start printin’ me some money to pay
off that deficit. When I finish doin’ that, I’ll just get me some MORE
paper and ink and print and print and print and just BUY
everything I want with good ol’ cold CASH!!! Yessiree, bob. They’ll be
singin’ high hosannas. Puttin’ my face on them dollar bills. Buildin’
monuments to me in Washington, D.C. Namin’ streets and boulevards and
avenues after me. Givin’ a Monday holiday to all the folks in my
Before I am finished, I will be the biggest goddamned hero this frakkin’ ass nation has ever SEEN!
Whoa! I get breathless just thinkin’ about all the glory and honor and
humbleness that will shower down upon my bowed and wondrous head. It’ll
be a sight to see...
And just to show you how truly generous I am, I invite you to print and
spend along with me. Before you know it, we’ll be out and away from
these gray skies of economic flaccidity and soarin’ into the golden
glory of Viagra inspired rigidity!
Hallelujah, Brother! May I have an “AMEN”?
(from Don't Get Me Started!