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BULLETIN: We interrupt this political essay for a special announcement......
The Anti-Directness League has received numerous complaints about writer Russell Madden being far too direct and unnice in his recent writings. In order to correct this unfortunate situation, agents of the ADL have confronted Madden and, for his own good, restrained him (humanely, of course). He is currently resting comfortably in a quiet and soft environment where he will be unable to harm either himself or his readers. He will have plenty of time to contemplate the error of his ways and to offer amends for his transgressions against the common weal. In the interim, we present in Madden's stead this special presentation of "Mr. Russell's Neighborhood." Here comes Mr. Russell now, wearing his muted brown cardigan and comfortable tan loafers.
Why, hello, boys and girls! I am so glad you could join me today. I think we are going to have a grand time, don't you?
And how are you little folks today? Fine, I hope. I trust you like the mellow music I've selected for our essay, just for you! Nice, isn't it? Yes, it is.
Let me hang up my sweater here, first. Is that okay with you, boys and girls? It is? That's splendid! I knew it would be.
Ah! The couch is so comfortable. I wish you were here to sit beside me. We could have a wonderful time together. I just know we could. Don't you think so, too, boys and girls? You do? I knew you would.
Now. Let's start our essay for this week, shall we? You'd like to hear it? I knew you would!
You see, some adults -- can you say "adults," boys and girls? That's great. I knew you could! -- some adults are unhappy with what ol' Uncle Sam is doing these days. Now, I want you boys and girls to know that it's perfectly okay to be unhappy sometimes. What you feel is so important, isn't it, boys and girls? Yes, it is. That's why I am always here. To help you when you're unhappy. We all want to be happy, don't we? Yes. I knew you would understand.
But some people just, golly, just get too upset about what ol' Uncle Sam is doing and don't express themselves the way polite and obedient boys and girls should. So today we're going to do a little role playing. Can you say "role playing," boys and girls? You can? I knew you could.
I'm going to pretend to be one of these frowny adults and show him how he should express himself to ol' Uncle Sam. And we all like to pretend -- you know, like playing -- don't we, boys and girls? Yes. I knew you did.
Okay. Here we go.
Ahem.
Hi, Uncle Sam! I'm Mr. Russell! Thank you for agreeing to talk with me today. Are you having a good day? Would you like something to drink? Some apple juice, perhaps? No? Okay. That's fine.
Now, Uncle Sam. I know you need money. I realize just how busy you are and how you help so many people here in this country and around the whole world. It's really nice to help people, isn't it? Yes, it is. I knew you'd agree.
But you see, Uncle Sam, when you tell me you need over half the money I earn every year, you see, golly, it sure is hard to get by sometimes. You know what I mean? You do? That's great! You have a hard time getting by sometimes, too? Yes, I know you do. Still, I give you more of my money than I spend on food, clothing, and shelter, and once in awhile I have a wee bit of difficulty paying some of my other bills when I...
Oh. You provide those things for millions of people? How nice of you. Oh, yes. I like helping people, too, just as you do. Of course, I do!
What's that? Okay, well, I suppose I could tighten my belt a bit and do without some things I had planned to buy. Anything to help the poor people and the innocent little boys and girls.
Well, yes, there are a few other things I'd like to talk about with you. You don't mind, do you? You don't? Oh, how lovely!
You know the Constitution? The thing the states agreed on so long ago? What you took an oath to defend? You know: "We the people of the United States..."
That's the one! I knew you would remember.
Well, you know, we all like to play games, right? You do? I knew you would. That's great! When we play games, there are certain rules, see, that tell us what we can and cannot do in the game and, well, I think maybe the rules have maybe, possibly, perhaps slipped your mind?
Now, now, Uncle Sam. I don't mean anything by that. I just think we would all get along better if you would simply, you know, maybe reread the rules. I mean, I know some people are a tad confused about what "no laws" or "not infringed" mean, but if we discuss this a bit, then maybe we could...
Oh. You think you are following the rules? That the Constitution is "living"? Gosh. I didn't mean to imply... No, of course, I don't believe in a dead Constitution. Oh, no, please! I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm really not. I know you have the best of intentions, but sometimes things just, golly, just don't work out the way you want them to. Yes, it is hard sometimes, isn't it? There, there. We can talk about the rules later, if you'd like. You would? That's great! Such a nice smile you have, too! Much better than that sad face.
Hmm. Let's see. I know! Let's tell a story. You like stories, don't you? Yes? That's so nice.
Once upon a time, Johnny went to Jerry's house. Johnny was a little hungry, you see, and Jerry had just baked himself a big batch of chocolate chocolate chip cookies, all hot and warm and gooey.
Yes, they are good, aren't they?
Anyway, Johnny didn't have any money to buy cookie dough mix. He'd already spent his allowance, you see. But still, Johnny was hungry when he smelled those delicious cookies. So, when Jerry wasn't looking, Johnny took a bunch of the cookies. He ate most of them right away. When Jerry cried and complained, though, that they were his cookies, Johnny said he only took them because he was going to give the cookies to his little sister, who hadn't eaten since breakfast.
(Johnny told a little fib: he didn't tell Jerry he ate most of the cookies himself.)
Jerry felt a bit guilty, but he still thought Johnny had taken too many cookies. He tried to grab them back. But Johnny's bigger brother, Jacob, came just then, and Jacob held Jerry's arms while Johnny ran home. On the way there, Johnny ate another cookie. Once he --
What? You don't like that story? Oh, dear. So sorry. I don't want to upset you. I'll just -- Yes? Do you a favor? Okay. What is it you want me to do?
Bend over? Why do you want me to...?
Don't ask? Okay. Well, I don't want to be nosy or anything. I was just curious what you...
No, no. No need to get cross. I know we can work this out. No reason why we can't get along. We can work something out so we're all happy, can't we? Can't we?
Oh, good! I'm glad you're willing to talk with me about this. I feel so much better.
I'm not sure, though, that I really want you to...
Okay, all right. Just don't make it hurt. Okay?
Can you hold on a second, though? For just a sec or two? Oh, thank you...
I think we had better say goodbye, boys and girls, while I finish this...discussion...with ol' Uncle Sam. But I hope you can see how easy it is to get along with people if you just don't get angry and simply try to see these tiny little problems from the other people's points of view and try to meet them halfway.
Now, isn't that so much nicer than being all angry and upset and stubborn? Don't you think so? You do?
I knew you would.
