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While 90% of adults in this country will marry at least once, nearly half of those first-time marriages will end in divorce. Even many of those couples who do remain together will find their relationships becoming less rather than more special as the years roll by:

For Meredith and Bret, marital bliss began to evaporate barely six months after their honeymoon. Bret found more and more excuses to stay away at night. Meredith wanted to discuss the widening rift between them but could not convince Bret of the need for action.

Parents and their children complain that neither side truly understands what the other is experiencing in today's world. For many families, the "generation gap" continues alive and well...and unwelcomed:

Allison thought her mother, Sally, was old-fashioned and wanted only to control her life with advice on classes and boyfriends. Sally thought Allison rebellious, impervious to reason, and embarked upon a dangerous path. Immediately after high school graduation, Allison moved to another state to live with her boyfriend.

Large numbers of people endure tension-filled workplaces. They never know when some innocently intended comment of theirs will ignite a firestorm of anger or resentment. Their attempts to deal with the situation often seem to make matters worse rather than better:

As a nurse, Ellen merely wanted to explain that she believed her supervisor, Ruth, had neglected something when she told Ellen to give a certain medicine to a patient. Ruth, however, bristled angrily, accused Ellen of being insubordinate, and threatened to place a written reprimand in her personnel file.

If you have ever tried communicating with a spouse, child, friend, or co-worker and left that interaction feeling frustrated, angry, or confused, then you have something in common with the rest of us. The process of sharing ideas, thoughts, desires, and experiences between two people can be fraught with difficulties. Hidden shoals often sink our best attempts to understand and to be understood.

While the words and actions we use to communicate are, at best, imperfect tools, principles and techniques exist which we can use to improve the likelihood that the messages we send and receive do, in fact, accurately reflect what was intended. These guidelines are not fool proof -- anyone who suggests that a magic bullet exists to guarantee success in communication is missing the mark -- but awareness and practice of these ideas will increase the probability that you can strengthen not only your communication skills but your relationships, as well. As with any significant value, achieving this goal requires diligent effort sustained over a period of time. The positive results, however, can be well worth the investment.

At its most fundamental, communication requires a common frame of reference. Minimally, this means that two people need to share the same language. In the verbal realm, little understanding will result if one individual chatters away in Russian while the other speaks only English. Even nonverbal cues should signify the same things if miscommunication is to be avoided. For example, the "O.K." sign of thumb to index finger used in the United States has an insulting sexual meaning in many other countries.

Among its multiple goals, the primary purpose of communication is to make other people aware of something inside of you. Since many factors can interfere with achieving this end, an effective communicator should be aware of possible pitfalls and how to avoid or deal with them should they occur.

When you seek to convey your experience or to share someone else's, there are two principles you should keep uppermost in mind:

1. Don't automatically assume you understand what someone else is telling you.

2. Don't automatically assume someone else understands what you are telling them.

This may seem like obvious advice. Yet reflect on your day-to-day interactions with other people, especially those you know well. Have you ever seen a frown on someone's face and concluded without further investigation that the person was angry? Yet a frown can signal puzzlement, unhappiness, depression, or simple thoughtfulness. A possible or plausible answer does not always equal the correct one. If you do, in fact, desire to improve a relationship, you need to know when crossed signals are most likely to happen between you and your partner and how you can ensure that your message reaches its target intact.

This article approaches the often formidable task of dealing with the two principles listed above and with the problem of achieving a truly common frame of reference by appealing to the idea of the Integrative Perspective.

A person with a highly Integrative Perspective or approach is someone who takes into consideration as many relevant present, past, and future factors as possible and necessary in deciding what action to take in any given situation. These factors include your own perspective, that of your partner and other people, as well as facts about the environment in which you operate. The more accurately you identify this information about your inner and outer worlds and the more fully you can integrate it into a consistent, noncontradictory whole, the more likely you will be to succeed in your attempts to communicate.

The skills required for an Integrative Perspective are not necessarily easy to obtain let alone to practice. Using reason and logic, operating on a level of full awareness, being willing to accept even unpleasant truths, and accepting the responsibility for your role in the communication process require effort to start and to continue. Obtaining knowledge and using it properly is not automatic. As with any skill, however, the techniques discussed here can be developed to the point where they become nearly second-nature to you.

As mentioned earlier, difficulties in communication may occur when you are not properly aware of something happening inside you, in your relationship, or in the world around you. For example, failure to be aware of or understand the sources of your own emotions may result in an improper communication choice: you yell angrily at your children when you are actually afraid of your boss and the fact that you may lose your job. Or you may be unaware of or fail to state the perceptual evidence for the interpretations you make about your partner: you ask your husband why he's depressed and he snaps at you for "getting on his case." You can more easily convey your concern for his welfare by providing the information you used to reach your conclusion: his slumped posture, furrowed brow, and the flat tones of his words.

Inaccurate interpretations of verbal and nonverbal behaviors represent a major difficulty in preserving a successful and happy relationship. These faulty identifications can lead to conflict, jealousy, and relational distress. Creating and maintaining intimacy requires a proper meshing of the literal meanings of the words we use during communication with the underlying motivations prompting our messages. When communication becomes a defense against the truth rather than a means to achieve an understanding consistent with reality, problems arising from mis-identification of the facts are inevitable.

Practicing four major techniques will increase the chances that you can and will avoid unwarranted assumptions about the success of your attempts to understand and to be understood:

1. Maintain a commitment to reality.

2. Keep in mind the context of your interaction.

3. Combine words with actions.

4. Speak for yourself.

First of all, as a successful communicator, you should hold a reality orientation, a commitment to discover, understand, and act in accordance with the way the world is. If the main purpose of communication is to share with another person something inside of us, that communication must have its foundation in reality...the reality of what you believe, if nothing else. Otherwise you are attempting to share a fantasy. If your partner should respond favorably to what she thinks exists but does not, you risk the dis-integration of your relationship when the true you eventually does emerge.

Wishing on a star may work in fairy tales but it's a prescription for disaster in real life. Wishful thinking and self-delusion will only lead you to take actions you should not or to avoid performing those you should. Seeking to act in accordance with reality means being able to accept what can't be changed in your life while being willing to try to change those aspects which are open to alteration.

Awareness and acceptance of "what is" -- both the positive and the negative -- means refusing to deny the reality of your self, your partner, or any other fact about the world. You don't have to like what you see, but it's impossible for you to change what you don't believe exists. Unfortunately, what you don't know can hurt you:

When Traci married Chuck, she knew her parents disapproved. Traci was a college graduate, but Chuck never even finished high school. He had difficulty holding a steady job, drank too much, and had a violent temper. None of this bothered Traci. She believed that with her guidance, Chuck would straighten himself out. Her dream of a family, a nice home, and a close, sharing relationship sustained her through all the negative comments of her friends and relatives.

After the marriage, Chuck took a high school equivalency course at Traci's urging. After a few months, he quietly dropped the class. He accepted a good job with a national manufacturing company but soon expressed more interest in hunting, fishing, and drinking than in working. Convinced that Chuck still felt unloved after an unhappy childhood, Traci tried even harder to reach Chuck and guide him in a direction that would enable him to "find himself."

Hoping to increase Chuck's commitment, Traci had a son. For awhile, Chuck remained closer to home and did his nine-to-five. When Chuck began to demonstrate less and less interest in sex, Traci wondered what was wrong with her. Discussions escalated into arguments and arguments into broken furniture and spilled tears.

Becoming more and more desperate, Traci pleaded with Chuck to tell her how they had gotten off-track and how they could improve things. When Chuck ended up in the hospital with back problems, Traci sent him a letter spelling out her concerns. In that letter, she suggested that if things did not change, perhaps they would have to consider getting a divorce. She intended to shock Chuck out of his complacency.

Traci was the one shocked when Chuck agreed that divorce offered the best solution for their problems. After going their separate ways, Chuck married twice more and continued to exhibit the same patterns of behavior.

Throughout their marriage, Traci refused to accept the reality of Chuck's behavior as irresponsible and thoughtless. She never opened her eyes to the evidence of Chuck's multiple affairs, to the fact that he had no intention of making fundamental changes in himself, and that his efforts at classes and jobs were window-dressing to keep her happy while she supported him.

Even worse than her rationalizations, distortions, and evasions concerning her husband and his behaviors were Traci's denials of her own shortcomings and her role in trying to maintain a disastrous relationship. Unable to acknowledge even to herself her anger and hatred of a man to whom she had pledged undying love, Traci remained blind to her own desperate need for a relationship to complete what she saw as an inadequate self undeserving of happiness. Twisting her motivations to hide her willing role as victim, her repression and suppression of the facts about herself and Chuck ensured that she would understand neither her own mind nor that of the man with whom she had planned to spend a lifetime.

Lying to yourself or to others in order to gain a supposed value will eventually -- as for Traci -- lead to the loss of the very goal you desire. Not only did Traci fail to see the reality of her situation for years, she did not even want to see it. To recognize the truth was to lose the veil of illusion that alone made possible her relationship with Chuck.

Many people avoid confronting reality due to fears of being judged by others or -- even more frightening -- by themselves. Some fear to acknowledge ambivalent feelings about the people they love because it may lead to unpleasant consequences as it did for Traci. Yet none of us is perfect...including our partners. There will always be some behaviors and personality traits in ourselves and others we like and some we don't. Accepting that fact will keep us from losing touch with reality. Whether that acceptance leads to a quicker break-up of a bad relationship or to the strengthening of a valuable one, it remains a fact that you can't change what you don't believe exists.

Hand-in-hand with the Integrative Perspective and its commitment to being aware and accepting of reality comes an equal commitment to keeping in mind the full context of the situation in which you find yourself. In essence, this means not reaching a conclusion before all the facts are in. The trick comes in knowing when you are in possession of sufficient facts to have confidence in your judgments and the behaviors you perform based on those decisions.

Simply keeping in awareness what you do know is often a formidable undertaking. We are neither omniscient nor infallible. Even with the best of intentions, we forget things or fail to make connections between facts we have learned. Such errors may lead us to take actions which will hurt rather than help us in our interactions with other people. Unlike with the production of a movie, there is no director to yell "Cut!" when you make a mistake and no second or fifth or twentieth take to ensure you get it right. Something once said cannot be unsaid. It becomes a fact of reality which must be dealt with. Telling a loved one you hate him because he apparently forgot your birthday may satisfy an impulse of the moment, but the impact will unlikely be worth the repercussions of such harsh words...especially when he silently gives you the present he'd been saving "as a surprise."

One advantage of communicating with other people is that it brings together a wider range of perspectives, interpretations, and facts than any one person can hold. Like the proverb about the blind men and the elephant, by themselves people may reach false conclusions based on the limited information available to them. One thing that proverb fails to illustrate, however, is that by integrating all those different perspectives on the anatomy of an unknown animal, those investigators could have reconciled discrepancies, gained missing facts, and eventually achieved a fairly accurate idea of what an elephant really is...and in much less time and probably more fully than any of them could have done separately.

A person with an Integrative Perspective will be aware of the dangers of hasty over-generalizations. This principle is perhaps more obvious when dealing with groups of people. Stereotypes of race, sex, or nationality arise when someone takes the actions of a single individual and projects them onto a whole group. Yet just as women are not "always" overly emotional nor men "never" thoughtful, so too, your partner is not "always" inconsiderate nor "never" on time. None of us is a monolith. Sometimes we are cheerful, sometimes we are depressed. Individuals do not lose their diversity or complexity by being considered singly rather than en masse.

A good communicator tries to be aware of when others may be experiencing a bad time and attempts to make allowances for stress and how it can affect behavior. Someone who has lost her job, is sick, and facing an uncertain future can be expected to be less patient, more irritable, and more unhappy than she might otherwise be. You can help maintain the integrity of your friendship by taking such facts into account and compensating for your friend's sharp, bitter words by exhibiting more tolerance than you might at another time.

Yet even during the course of an ordinary day, a friend or spouse may do things you do not understand. Seeing a husband who uncharacteristically slams his briefcase down on the dining room table, barely grunts an hello, and locks himself in the study, a wife may believe he's angry with her. She could pretend that nothing is amiss and continue her routine as best she can. Or she might shrilly pound on the door and demand that he never act that way in her presence. Or...she could ask him if she did something he is upset about.

In trying to understand the message someone is sending you, often the best course you can follow is simply to ask him directly what he is trying to tell you. Even if he is not quite certain himself what is going on in his head or even if he is sending you mixed messages, you have at least consulted the most obvious expert on your husband's inner world...himself.

In any relationship and especially in long-term ones, you should begin by being aware of and acknowledging what is happening in the present. Is your husband shouting? Avoiding eye contact? Do you think he is angry or scared? Is your own pulse racing? Do you feel anger or fear or sympathy? Do you want to hit him or hug him?

But your awareness should not stop with the present. Ask yourself how the other person's behaviors -- and your own! -- fit in with the pattern you have observed in the past. Is his anger typical? Rare? Totally new? If you have the chance, pause even a moment longer and ask yourself how what you are about to say or do will affect your future interactions. Will calling your husband an "inconsiderate jerk" improve or hinder the rest of your conversation? Your next encounter with him?

To increase the likelihood of making correct communication (or other) choices, you need to avoid tunnel vision. Obtaining complete and relevant information refers not only to the environment around you but to your own thoughts, feelings, wants, and actions. Where are they coming from? Where might they be leading you? Recognizing the foundations of your beliefs and behaviors can increase your self-confidence. When you are aware of what you truly want, you will have a more reliable guide to what actions you should take.

By keeping in mind the context of the situation and your relationship, you will be less likely to act impulsively under the stress of temporary situational factors such as fights, emotional pain, or fear. You will be able to see that such problems are of little importance given the entire history of the relationship. If you can resist the pressure of immediate problems when deciding how to respond to a particular issue, you can avoid defining your partner by any one thing she says or does. By not over-reacting to any specific conflicts and difficulties and then concluding that a generally good relationship should be ended, you can recognize the essential value of your partner and relationship despite your present anger or upset. If you do not feel that the relationship is constantly on the line, you can gain tolerance for the undesirable things your partner does and for any negative feelings you may feel towards him. During times of stress, it is far too easy to lose sight of the fact that you do love your partner. That is the one context you never want to forget.

While words are important, where appropriate they should be accompanied by actions. Talk may not always be cheap, but it is rarely complete without behavior to back it up. This forms the foundation for trust, and without trust, no relationship can survive for long. Another way of stating this idea is that you should combine the abstract with the concrete or the general with the specific. Just saying "I love you" will not convince that certain someone that you do. Such a pronouncement needs to be demonstrated with actions: sending flowers, spending time with her, listening to her problems, or remembering your anniversary with a special dinner out. The specifics vary from couple to couple, but the principle remains the same.

This aspect of effective communication is especially relevant when a problem arises. You need to actualize a solution, not simply talk about it and agree that "we'll try harder in the future." As a couple you must determine what you will accept as a successful solution to the issue at hand. Only when observable results to be obtained in a certain time-frame are specified will you know when your goal has been achieved. Then you must actually perform the actions you have agreed to do! By being precise with time and behavior, you can periodically check to see if you need to make any changes.

If, as a couple, you decide that, "We don't want to fight dirty anymore," you might specify that neither of you will call the other person names, that you will not yell or physically intimidate the other, and that you will stick to only one issue at a time. You might also specify that you will follow these guidelines for a month and then meet to discuss how well you are accomplishing your goal.

In any event, it is better to make conscious choices rather than leaving a solution to chance or circumstances. Passivity in a relationship rarely helps to resolve a problem to the satisfaction of both parties. Taking action to deal with an issue means precisely that: address the issue. Don't seek to blame or attack your partner or assume the role of victim yourself. (This point will be addressed in more detail under the technique of "speaking for yourself.") By facing up to and solving problems, you gain confidence not only in yourself but in your partner and your relationship, as well.

To ensure that you and your partner have, in fact, established that "common frame of reference" which is one goal of the Integrative Perspective, there are certain listening skills you need to cultivate. When your partner is speaking, don't interrupt. Take the time to hear what she is saying rather than simply trying to get your own points in. Give her your full attention. Don't keep one eye on the television or your newspaper. Observe her with both your eyes and your ears. Are her fists clenched? Is she looking at you or at the floor? Are those tears in her eyes? Are her words rushed, loud, hesitant? How she delivers her message may be even more important than what she says.

When you are listening, demonstrate that you are, in fact, tuned in. Even if it's only phrases like "I see," "uh huh," "sure," your partner will know that you care enough to pay attention to her. You can strengthen that sense even further by paraphrasing what she tells you, that is, repeating in a condensed form what you just heard. A five minute description of an argument might be boiled down to, "After everything your mother said, you felt so angry you never wanted to see her again."

If you're confused or uncertain about what she's trying to tell you, ask for more information to clarify the hazy points. Check your interpretation with her when you can: "Do you mean you were actually mad at your dad but took it out on your mom when she defended him?" Combining such verbal feedback with nonverbal messages is even more effective in establishing an in-synch conversation. Directly facing your partner, leaning towards her, occasionally touching her lightly on the arm, and maintaining direct eye contact all help to convey the message that you care, that you want to understand, and that you're trying your best to connect with her.

If you can consistently practice such techniques, the next time you say, "Yes, I'm listening," your partner will know that you really mean it.

The last technique discussed here -- speaking for yourself -- is one many people would state categorically that they follow. Yet a cursory examination of ordinary conversations would reveal a very large discrepancy between the claim and the practice.

When you "speak for yourself" you are recognizing that each person is the primary authority on his or her own experience. While others may be aware of things about us which we are not, we still occupy the front row in viewing our individual lives. In terms of language, this means making "I" statements...but "I" statements of a specific type. If you believe that saying, "I think we should buy a new car," qualifies as "speaking for yourself," read on!

When you speak for yourself, you accept the fact that not only are you your own best authority but that you are the one primarily responsible for your thoughts, emotions, wants, and actions. In keeping with the main purpose of communication discussed earlier in this article, you seek to describe your experience, not that of others.

Unfortunately, our ordinary talk rarely conforms to this ideal, especially when dealing with negative events in our lives. Have you ever said, "You make me angry," "That makes me happy," "You hurt me when you spoke to that woman"? Such statements place the cause and responsibility for your emotions and reactions in the hands of other people. Yet no one possesses the power to "make" you happy or sad. If others did, you would be a helpless pawn in their hands. (And they in yours?) The truth is that other people may facilitate or hinder you in how you act (for example, by being empathetic to your pain or by needlessly dwelling on subjects you are sensitive to), but ultimately it is you and the value choices you make which determine how you will respond to events in your life.

A person speaking for herself would declare that, "I get angry when you are late for dinner," "I want to buy a new car," "I'm happy when you help me clean the house," "I feel scared when you drink and drive." Your focus is on you and what you think, feel, want, and do.

Accepting such responsibility and its attendant accountability -- especially for someone used to handing the reins to others -- can be a scary proposition. Many people prefer what is familiar to them rather than the new and the uncertain. Yet only by facing the world as it is and not as how you might wish it to be, can you reap the benefit of fresh opportunities to grow.

By speaking for yourself, you don't discount others' emotions or tell them how or what to feel. A mother telling her teenage son that, "You don't really hate your father," is doing neither herself nor her son a favor. A specific emotion may not be representative of what you feel in the whole context of a relationship, but its occurrence does tell you something about yourself and your relationship at a particular time. Adherence to truth demands that you acknowledge and accept the reality of all of your experience, not just the pleasant parts. While you may not approve of a negative emotion in yourself or others, it does need to be integrated into your awareness.

Speaking for yourself means being willing to directly state your wants and desires rather than having your partner try to guess them. Mind-reading and crystal balls may make for amusing parlor games, but they have no place in communication. If you're feeling stressed out and in need of a hug, ask for one. Moping around the house and then getting angry when your partner fails to understand your nonverbal cues will only increase your stress, not diminish it. Maybe your partner interpreted your actions as an indication that you wished to be left alone! Don't blame the other person for not being able to see inside your head.

The risk, of course, in specifically stating what you want from your partner is that you may not get it. A direct request may lead to a direct refusal. ("Sorry. I'm not in the mood for sex tonight.") Asserting your needs and desires is, however, a way of indirectly affirming your own value as well as the respect you have for your partner. When you speak for yourself, you state that what you want deserves to be heard and that you have confidence in the ability of your partner to deal with your request, even if she does not agree to it. Asking for change rather than demanding it reveals your willingness to risk vulnerability. To reveal your inner self and open up to the possibility of pain requires that you trust yourself as much as you trust your partner.

When you seek understanding rather than control, you free your partner from any need to defend herself from "attack." She will feel more comfortable knowing you will stick to the issues at hand and only praise or condemn specific behaviors. Name-calling and character assassination create a barrier nearly impossible to surmount. If your goal is to build your relationship rather than to undermine it, you will try to reach mutual, freely chosen decisions and not try to impose decisions on your partner as an expression of power, domination, or a need to "win." You should use open questions designed to gain knowledge and not closed ones designed to gain agreement. For example, ask, "What do you want to do after dinner?" not, "Don't you want to go to a movie when we're through here?"

Many individuals resist the kinds of suggestions offered in this article. They believe that "people don't talk that way" yet seem to forget the problems which arise from "natural" conversation. As with any skill -- whether walking, driving, or doing math problems -- developing a new habit takes time and effort. To improve your communication skills, you have to want to change them. It won't happen by itself, it won't be easy, and you will make mistakes.

Other people believe it's better to let sleeping dogs lie; that talking about a bad situation only makes it worse; or that talking never worked in the past. Yet problems rarely go away if ignored. More often, they will merely deteriorate, perhaps past the point of no return. While trying to develop an Integrative Perspective will not guarantee success, you can guarantee failure by not trying. The courage you need to change must come from you. No one can do it for you. The risks of embarrassment, losing a relationship, or the unknown may keep many people silent. While that course may preserve some types of relationships, it will not improve them. Those who believe "better safe than sorry" usually end up being sorry rather than safe.

The Integrative Perspective requires flexibility and adaptability within moral limits, a desire for equity in your relationships, and an observance of basic courtesy and politeness. Practicing its principles calls for creativity: changing a pattern of behavior that is not working means you must discover a more effective one. Still, being an effective communicator also demands that sometimes you should give up. Better communication is not the answer to all relational problems. You and your partner may understand each other perfectly but merely have different, incompatible goals and values. A Catholic and an atheist would have serious difficulties establishing that needed "common frame of reference."

The Integrative Perspective rests on the ethical principle that in a positive relationship you have an obligation to give enough essential and relevant information so your partner can make informed decisions and communicative choices. It means that you want to understand your partner for who he really is as well as helping him to feel understood by appropriately mirroring his thoughts, emotions, desires, and actions in your own responses. Such empathy and compassion should, however, be combined with a degree of objectivity and detachment. That way you can help your partner with his problems without being overwhelmed by them.

The more aspects of such things as your partner's personality, intentions, and reasons for an action that you correctly grasp, the greater will be the ease of communication and understanding on the intellectual, emotional, and physical levels. Each such level of what you are is equally important in its own way, and all should be integrated if you hope to achieve a fully balanced relationship.

If a person practicing an Integrative Perspective were to write a condensed version of the principles and techniques discussed in this article, it might run something like this:

I value honesty, openness, and directness. I like people who know what they want and are not afraid to ask for it; who state how they feels and do not leave it to me to "guess" their concerns or to make unwarranted assumptions about them. I appreciate sensitivity combined with a realization that we are each primarily responsible for our own happiness, though we can make it easier for other people to reach what they desire. I feel it is important to be understanding and accepting of ourselves and others and to realize that each of us is doing the best we can at any given moment, but that mistakes will happen.

When tensions do occur in a relationship, I prefer to deal at the outset with any problem. I think that saves a lot of time, frustration, and grief for everyone. I am committed to discussing relational matters and to being a willing listener. When there are choices to be made, I prefer to make those decisions rather than to leave them to circumstances or to other people. I want a relationship in which my partner and I can express all aspects of who we are: emotionally, physically, and intellectually. Neither I nor my partner deserve anything less.

And neither do you.