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Humor is difficult to come by these days. A recent example, though, was Good Ol' Boy, Attorney-General Johnny Ashcroft's defense of the USA PATRIOT Act at the Department of Justice's hilariously titled site, "Preserving Life and Liberty." (http://lifeandliberty.gov/) The postings there afford a gold mine of wondrously obscurant writing. I am tempted to call the slant given this truly horrendous bill "delusional," but that judgment would imply these folks actually believe the porridge they're trying to shove down our throats.
(Of course, I leave open the possibility that they really and truly, honest-to-goshen do view this unconstitutional monstrosity in a favorable light. The notion that people so highly placed in our government might "honestly" operate from a perspective that accepts the practicality and freedom-friendliness of the USA PATRIOT law is, perhaps, as frightening as the act's provisions themselves.)
A detailed examination of this PR extravaganza conducted at your expense (in both senses of that phrase...) must, however, take a backseat to the more recent comedy offered us by our illustrious Commander-in-Chief. By golly. When the Prez speaks, we should listen.
Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to have the Prez's voice impinge excessively upon my delicate and rock-music-ravaged eardrums. I found the prospect of exposing his ideas to my psyche more congenial when I could simply view the official transcript of what the Prez had to say.
He tells us that "we" are conducting "a systematic campaign against terrorism." So systematic is this campaign, in fact, that "we" shifted much of our military resources from tracking down the last of the al Qaeda and their Taliban supporters to unseating that despicable wabbit, er, tyrant, Saddam Hussein. (Now there is no real evidence that SH had anything much at all to do with the attack by those Saudis against the World Trade Center, but, hey! The majority of the American people believe he did, so that is good enough for "we," er, us.)
The Prez tells us "we" are making "great progress," though with "new responsibilities, and sacrifice." (And "we" all know that "sacrifice" is good for us, especially when "we" end up worse off than originally.) This is the same kind of "progress" "we" have made against "poverty" and "ignorance" and "drugs." Those "wars" have also been similarly successful.
But why quibble? With "national resolve," the Prez and his minions march on, tracking down al Qaeda and murderlizing them right and left. (And this just in! Ol' Rummy has informed all you evil doubters of the Iraqi war that your criticisms are "encouraging" terrorists. [Guess he's been talkin' to ol' J.A.] So shut your f*ck*ng mouths, you ungrateful bastards! March in lockstep. Behave. Go along. Zip it. There's a war on, damn it!) And, ya know. Don't worry about Bin Laden. (Who?) "We" will get him. Someday. "We" will. Honest. After all, the Prez tells us that "we continue on al Qaeda's trail."
"We" have frozen terrorist money, arrested agents infesting our Homeland, and "taken new measures" to protect us. (Don't get your knickers in a bunch, either, that "we" haven't bothered our poor, overworked judges when "we" have acted. Heck. "We" don't have to explain anything to you citizens, anyway. You are supposed to explain things to "we"...er, me...er, us, er, the Prez.)
Iraq is just as guilty as al Qaeda for the 9-11 devastation. And even if the folks there are not as guilty -- jeez-louise -- "the former regime" was just as bad as al Qaeda is. Heck. Worse. SH "possessed and used weapons of mass destruction." Don't worry because "we" can't find them. Or that he never used them against U.S. citizens, just his own. Or that "we" knew he killed his own subjects. And never objected. Or did anything about it. After all, "we" gave them to "the former regime." So "we" know he had them. Somewhere. Still does. Somewhere. Besides, that nasty SH went neener-neener for twelve years to the U.N.! How dare he! Didn't he know how good the U.N. is? How dedicated the U.N. is to preserving freedom? How successful the U.N. has been throughout its history? Just because "we" can ignore the U.N. whenever "we" damned well pleased, well, that booger SH had no right to be a copycat.
Besides. "We" were very "humane" in our "military campaign." Heck. "We" killed way fewer noncombatants than others have. Iraqi collateral damage from our prior boycott and then the war was more than the number murdered on 9-11, yeah, but, come on! This was war! Is war! Omelets! Eggs! Breaking! I mean "we" didn't deliberately attack those "innocent people" like the terrorists have. No reason for the survivors to be so unhappy. Shit happens! Get over it, already.
Those SOB's thought that "we" (the "free" nations) "were decadent and weak." By golly. "We" kicked major terrorist butt. Ignore the fact that "we" are smooshing together the justified war against al Qaeda with the unconstitutional and unjustified invasion of Iraq. "We" know that Iraq was "at the heart of [the terrorists'] power." "We" know it. Not Iran. Not Syria. Not North Korea. Iraq, damn it! Iraq. (Until "we" get around to smashing those other guys, too, that is.)
Now. Don't start cryin' on "we," but "we" "are helping the long suffering people" of Iraq. They'll have "a decent and democratic society." Or else. With "free institutions." (No! No! Really!) "We" will build that sucker, just as "we" built nations everywhere else around the world. (It's fun! Try it! You'll like it!) No more "torture chambers and mass graves." Just random attacks, bombings, deaths, and armed foreign troops roaming around their cities and "guarding" their oil. With just a bit of collateral damage. Nothing to worry about. Really. Promise.
This will all be "costly -- yet worthy of our country." A few hundred billion. Chicken feed. "We" can afford it. Higher unemployment? A mere bagatelle. Think of the humble pride you'll feel sending your hard-earned dough to those poor folks abroad. Besides. You're not selfish. Are you?
"We" will all be safer the more "we" muck about in the Middle East. Those screaming mobs love us. Right? "Democracy and tolerance" will "triumph" and will send "terrorism" packing. When "tyrants fall" in the Middle East, "hope" will thrive. Everyone everywhere will "reject...terror, and turn to...peace." After all, that's worked so well in Israel. No tyrants equals no terror equals peace.
No more "secret police" in Iraq. No more "assassins." No more "torturers."
Just in the United States.
Democracy cures all. Just look at all the "social democracies" out there and how wonderfully they are functioning.
"We" have contained "these killers" to one teensy-eensy-weensy "area of the country." In the north, the Iraqis will soon have "self-government." As soon as "we" decide they are ready. Still, the attacks have killed those "who stand for freedom and order," i.e., Americans and Brits. You know. The folks who are bringing you national ID cards. Confiscatory inflation. Altruism on a massive scale. Omnipresent surveillance and tracking. No-knock raids. Indefinite detention without trial or legal representation. Self-defense bans. Registration lists. Detention camps. Militarization of police forces. You know. The folks who stand for freedom. Or at least order.
Plus, they've killed those other guys: those who represent "decency, and freedom and progress." Like the U.N. Decency. Freedom. Progress. You know. Honest.
The "will of the civilized world" encourages us to stay in Iraq. True, not Germany's will. Or France's. Just the civilized world.
"We" know that our wimpy predecessors allowed themselves to be run out "of Beirut and Somalia." If "we" had been in charge then, you can damned well bet "we" would still be in those bastions of civilization.
"We" face "a lengthy war." How long? Hell. Who knows? Who cares? It's a "different kind of war," not against specific people but against a concept: "terrorism." "We" will fight on in as many damned places as "we" want to. So quit your yapping about the "time" involved. Be patient. Also: you must "sacrifice" more. Slacker. "We" will "do...and spend what is necessary." Get out your blank checks. Here "we" come for your wallet.
Blather-blather about WW II. "We" spent billions on our enemies. "We" know your money belongs to "we"...er, us. Quit complaining. "We" know best how to spend it.
More blather-blather about what "we" are doing in Iraq. "Precise strikes." Ignore that collateral damage behind the screen. The "Iraqi citizens" are on our side. Ignore those screams of hatred behind the screen. "We" want "international cooperation." Ignore any claims that the military numbers "we" have are inadequate. "We" don't need any more soldiers. But "we" will take all "we" can get so "we" can "share the burden more broadly."
Forget what "we" said about civilized nations. All those members of that freedom-lovin' U.N. have a "responsibility" to get off their thumbs and come help "we," er, us.
"We" came as "liberators." "We" will leave -- someday, years and years and years from now -- as "liberators." Ignore the in-between when "we" are an occupying military force.
Iraqis will soon be ready for "self-government" and "free elections" and a "constitution." Though "we" don't pay much attention to our own, so why should they?
To do all this, "we" need money. Lots of it. Come on. Cough it up. Don't be stingy or mean-spirited. Charity begins with foreigners. New roads. New schools. New hospitals. Reliable electricity. Water. "We" give them our word.
"We" will also make sure "we" have those, too. Lots. Bunches. Gobs. As soon as "we" can afford them.
"We" tell you "there will be no going back to the era before September the 11th, 2001." When pilots and passengers could go armed and kill crazies on planes. When some shreds of the Constitution remained. When citizens did not have to be stripped and groped to visit the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall.
"We" know "the surest way to avoid attacks on our own people" is not to increase individual freedom but to swell a gargantuan State even larger and to force people to give up more freedom.
More blather-blather about the good of "sacrifices" given by American soldiers.
"We" think all of "we" should "accept the duties of our generation." Altruism. Sacrifice. Duty. The Big Three.
It's all good. Right?
God Bless America.
Because "we" surely will not.
The Prez. "The Transcript of President Bush's Speech." 9-07-03. CNSNews.com Information Services. September 08, 2003. http://www.cnsnews.com/ViewNation.asp?Page=\Nation\archive\200309\NAT20030908b.html
